Tuesday, July 14, 2009

taking a plunge

it's been way too long since my last post and i wont even try to catch up on all that's happened since then. the past year has been a bit of wild ride in my heart. me and god have had some pretty intense conversations; many of them ones i'd rather have avoided.

the crazy thing is that all this started because i asked for it! i saw 2 dear friends stumble in some pretty big ways and i kept thinking that it just as easily could've been me. so last may (memorial day weekend to be exact) i asked god to seach my heart and show me what might be there that would potentially cause me to stumble.

WHAT was i thinking?????

little did i know how faithfully god would answer those prayers. search my heart he did. and the search continues. we've made progress but there's a long way to go and i'm pretty sure it's a conversation me and god will be having for many years to come.

what i've LOVED about this time is that we ARE talking. real and authentic conversations. i've done my share of telling god off. he keeps on loving me. keeps on pursuing me. keeps on telling me how he wants to love me like nobody else ever has and like nobody ever will.

some days i'm willing to rest in his love. those days are so wonderful and magical!!

sadly, there are still plenty of days when i dont/cant/wont accept that love. days when my safe little wall between me and god stays firmly in place. i'm trying hard to figure out WHY i do that. i mean isnt it a teeny bit NUTS to avoid a love so unconditional that it will be unmatched for all of eternity???

so why? i keep coming back to fear. fear that his love wont really truly always be there. fear that i'm not good enough for that kind of love. fear that if i do completely surrender to his love that it will overwhelm me in a way i cant handle.

lies lies lies. all of that is lies and my head knows it. the heart is having a much harder time with the concept. and they're the lies i've been living with all my life and since that's more than a few years, its harder than i expected to let go.

so i keep talking to god. and he's always there. he always has something to say. he's always ready to reassure me, to love me, to embrace me - even when my wall is up and the lock is on the gate.

i'm pretty sure that my surrender will come from a teeny weeny leap of faith on my part and a HUGE dose of strength and love on his part.

ok god, stick with me. i'm getting closer and closer to taking that plunge ....